The Graduate

here, take this fig

memorial/day We can't grill because it's raining, so I'm going to commemorate Memorial Day by encouraging you, Dear Reader, to support our armed forces folks by joining an organization like Soldier's Angels. Or do it your own way. But if we're going to be in a perpetual foreign war, the people fighting it need help.

I'm also really sad about Charles Nelson Reilly. Everything I know about being haughty comes from him.

just go with me If I could get to my USB cable, I'd post a picture of Baldo's preschool "graduation." I used to smirk at stuff like that, before I had children and I knew everything about raising them, but his transition into middle childhood really is taking place, and by gum he got so into it that I played along, and he told everyone, including John Pierson, that he was going to throw his cap in the air. So that was that.

But I can't get to my USB cable because my Big Kid who wrestles his father and almost nearly goes to kindgergarten is sleeping in the hallway outside our room. His closet is too scary.

we make holes in teeth Baldo has become obsessed with the Cavity Creeps. I think the Crest Kids appeal to him because they are powerful and superheroic, but they are also hygenic and wholesome and moderate in their bearing. And they have a friendly little dog who barks, "Crest! Crest!"

I would have forgotten about the Crest Kids entirely if it weren't for that episode of Family Guy with a joke about them. It was a big deal, that new Crest gel. Before that we'd been brushing our teeth with, like, Pepsodent. Antique tooth powder and shit. Crest gel deserved a group of kid superheroes. I think of Toothopolis when I brush.

darn right Experts debate giving HPV vaccine to boys. If it's good for our daughters, it's good for our sons.

middle/age Yesterday I got carded while I was buying beer.

Today I was invited to join a group called Elders of MySpace, which I think is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but I find myself kind of not laughing. I guess if you're over 30 you're an elder. I do periodically receive notices from the AARP, and once Social Security wrote to complain that I wasn't doing a good enough job "working."

tend the house, bitch Seriously. Whom do I fuck to get a set of chrome 9" gas-range drip pans? No, not porcelain. No, not with hinged elements. No, not electric. No, not three smalls and a large, nor two smalls and two larges. All the same size, please, as with my burners.

What a Mom Wants Every year I watch with interest the Mother's Day marketing juggernaut. "You were a little shit growing up, so get mom the FTD Mother's Tulip Bouquet(tm)!" Everybody seems to think inside the box of hazelnut chocolates. Even The Austinist recommends bric-a-brac and cooking classes. I do like the #1 Mom Trophy, but it's way sold out.)

The obvious gift answer is passes to ACL Fest, but of course you're going to keep those for yourself, aren't you? Huh. Some thanks we get.

I don't think Mother's Day should be about putting a corsage on a woman and sitting her at the head of the brunch table. (Besides, Sunday brunch? Grossest meal of the week. It's leftovers with a centerpiece, if Kitchen Confidential is to be trusted, and I believe it is.) No, Mother's Day should be about mothers getting buck wild with total impunity. Push over cars and set them on fire! Sass back against those platitudes of appreciation! ("You're goddamn right I worked hard to raise you!") We've got 24 hours! Let's fuck some shit up over here! We work 364 days to be inoffensive, patient, and supportive, and now we're going to open up some hydrants!

Or...

How about Mom finally gets that Je Joue she's been eyeing? What, Mom doesn't like sex? Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

Save the California chardonnay for Father's Day and give Mom something stronger, like a big nasty bottle of mescal. Mom gets the worm!

Send her to Red's for Ladies' Day so Mom can let off some steam.

How about that muscle car she's always wanted? Nothing says "I love you" like a big-block V8. And there's still room in the back for all your crap for band practice or science fair or whatever the fuck.

For all those nights you kept Mom awake--trust me, you did--you might pay it back with generic Ambien.

a memo to myself, for when I have a teenage son Just remember: He'll be thirteen someday, and then he won't talk to you at all. Instead of constantly.

from the no shit department Kids' sleep problems may affect parents' health.

Another thunderbolt: "Mothers appeared to be particularly affected, the study found."

seis de mayo Well, thank God that Cinco de Mayo is over. I was getting really tired of white people celebrating it.

All last week the Yahoo! front page focused on recipes for Cinco de Mayo. Recipes for guacamole. See, here's the thing. If you don't know how to make guacamole--I mean, if you have no idea and you're not even willing to wing it--what's your investment in Cinco de Mayo, exactly? And here would be this graphic of some Whitey Whitepants twentysomething Yahoo! users puzzling over a mortar and pestle somewhere in Illinois.

I'm not sure I get it, unless we're trying to sell avocados. (Maybe the avocado people are behind it.) I don't celebrate any Canadian holidays, even though I like Canada a whole real lot and my mom was born there (except it was England then). Like, we could conceivably celebrate when Newfoundland became Canada instead of part of the UK, but we don't because it's just not really pertinent. Like Bastille Day; we don't celebrate that either. And because we are not Mexicans we don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. It's not really our place to celebrate the ousting of a colonial power in someone else's country. I'm really glad that it happened, but if I'm standing around with my white friends drinking Mexican beers and margaritas and going, "Woo! Cinco de Mayo!" I think that would be kind of assholish. That would be, like, "Hey, let's use the history of colonized people as an excuse to get drunk!" And really you don't have to do that. There are millions of excuses to get drunk.

mixed/state In the context of mental illness, a mixed state (also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode) is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously (e.g., agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid and/or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage). Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states can be the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which substance abuse, panic disorder, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly.

how i feel

fire bad; tree pretty I'll blog here again as soon as I can have more than fifteen minutes to collect my thoughts before someone needs to be cooked for, cleaned up after, dropped off, picked up, rinsed, dried, laundered, negotiated with, &c. Including the cat and myself.

Because really I'm not liking the part where We've got fifteen minutes! And counting! Go go go! Say something brilliant! Be meaningful! The yard is waiting! Dinner at six!