Survival Is the New Sexy

Marrit Ingman

How many of you are actively seeking a romantic partner?

What are your criteria for selection?

You’re all wrong. There is only one criterion now, for everyone in this room and for everyone in the world, and it is the ability to survive the apocalypse.

Maybe “apocalypse” is too strong a word. Maybe “apocalypse” should be kept in reserve for the actual end of days, should it arrive. Whether it’s the Revelation or the End of the Fifth Sun or some other Armageddon, we’ll need a word for that, too—additionally.

I’m talking about whatever this is now: economic recession, the petroleum crash, perpetual foreign war, and Heidi Montag as a “feminist hero.” These are strange times, terrifying, and yet oddly exciting because everything is starting to change. Maybe in five years we’ll all be living in ragtag bands of mutant looters, dirt-biking cross-country and fighting for water. No one will care if you were a company vice-president or a full partner. Those people will seem particularly edible.We just don’t know.

That is why, if you are smart, you will look around you right now and identify your best bet for a Postapocalyptic Life Mate. Even if you have a partner and you really like that person, consider building your clan with a few strategic hook-ups, if you haven’t already. And be sure to do it while the song is still playing in our global game of Musical Chairs.

So, you might wonder, what should I look for? You can forget most of what used to matter: a full head of hair, a complete set of teeth, perky boobs, who gives a shit? Now you are looking for famine resistance. You want a slow metabolism. Ironically, you want precisely the person who just can’t shed those last ten or twenty or forty pounds despite furious effort prescribed by Cosmo or Men’s Health. Your post-apocalyptic sweetheart should retain ample fat stores while running almost constantly from danger and eating handfuls of twigs, lest his or her internal organs be autodigested. The advantage here is pretty obvious.

Consider a fat hippie. If your hippie can brew beer and grow pot, you may be sitting in the fabled catbird seat after the crash of civilization. You may be the local apothecary. I never like to be very far from an apothecary. Bonus points if your hippie can cure nuisance ailments like hemorrhoids and gingivitis with herbs, ensuring your popularity.

You’ll have to be prepared to keep invaders at bay, so make sure your hippie can kick ass and handle weapons, but only when it’s absolutely necessary; avoid the shit-starter if you want a peaceable life away from the cannibal gangs and spilled anthrax.

If you’ve seen Dawn of the Dead, you know how important is the ability to pilot a helicopter.

If you’ve seen Evil Dead, you know the importance of handling a chainsaw.

But generally what we’re looking for is a problem-solver. We’re looking for a person who reacts with curiosity when something goes wrong. Scientists and engineers are ideal, but short of them consider your co-worker who fixes the jammed printer or actually reads the instructions to the phone system. Simple measures can evince a spirit of inquiry and initiative fruitfully applied in case of cataclysm. However, avoid those neurotics who solve problems too far in advance, as they will collapse entirely if surprised by a contingency, such as feral dogs or a dirty bomb. It is impossible to plan for everything.

Avoid the squeamish. You want someone who can siphon gas by mouth, deliver newborn livestock, and pull a knife out of your leg if necessary. You don’t want a fusspot who yells at the waiter if his or her dressing isn’t served on the side. In the future, it won’t matter which way the toilet paper hangs on the roll or if the DVDs are in alphabetical order. You’ll be squatting over a trough and playing charades for amusement, so seek those abilities instead.

A sense of humor is still desirable. You’ll need some way of getting dopamine into your brain as cholera rips through your tent city.

Plus points for the following skills:

Starting a fire without matches

Hotwiring a car

Desalinating water

Breaking and entering

Small-scale farm operations

Building fuel cells

Decapitating chickens

Canning

And piracy

All of these things are now hot. Okay?

Now, graduates, go forth and find yourself that special someone. Or someones. Whatever. Your survival depends on it.